FINALLY.
why am i so slow and stupid? honestly, making a new blog is not that hard. but i just have to somehow make it hard on myself. the silliest thing that i spend the most time on. may God forgive me my uselessness. oh and it’s still a work in progress.
chocolate. it’s that simple.
a special thank you goes out to my best friend a few times over (she’s gotten me chocolate on more than one occasion from switzerland and germany), magfirah. you rock!
and when it comes to chocolate, there’s obviously a million kinds. your grocery store checkout line variety does just fine for all practical purposes, but if you’re serious, you do your homework. there are tiers of quality and a million different tastes. it’s like coffee- the absolute perfect cup is hard to come by, and it’s definitely not always tied up with things like cost and exoticism. it has a lot to do with your own perception of what’s good and what’s not, as well as your mood.
i won’t lie- baking with chocolate does make me nervous. because it changes the experience so much. it’s even harder to stay true to chocolate’s essence when you put its “feet to the fire” so to speak.
oh, right. i’m not supposed to write rambly posts anymore! bah. i’m setting up my new wordpress account tonight if all goes well.
i don’t actually understand people. why when given good advice, they’ll reject it. why, even after a perfectly good explanation, they’ll be upset. why sometimes i’m supposed to put up with them. it’s exhausting! say what you mean and mean what you say, for crying out loud. don’t hold back if you or someone else is going to pay for it later. if you have beef with someone, tell them, in a constructive way, instead of telling the rest of your world- they probably dont want to hear it anyway.
like i said, i just don’t get it.
i was in boston this past weekend, and they definitely had snow. i thought some part of me would be satisfied, seeing snow on the ground, seeing fluffy flakes falling, but it was anticlimactic and just appropriate, un-exciting.
so i’ve come to a conclusion. i do love snow. in a virginian context. because snow has an on/off relationship with us- you have no way to anticipate its arrival (or whether it will stay) - and when it does, it’s that much more important. yes we have had feet of snow dumped on us. we also have our more than occasional “it feels like spring” moments in winter.
last thursday my twin brothers ran into the house yelling “it’s snowing…” and before i let them finish their sentence i had the nearest blanket thrown over myself (makeshift hijabs need not be pretty) and i was standing on the front doorstep, squinting my eyes to see if there were any flakes. none! i felt left out so i came back in and asked if they had just tricked me - they hadn’t, but the flakes were tiny and brief, and i had just missed them.
ultimately what makes snow so special for me is its unicorn-like behavior in my neck of the woods. i’m probably a broken record when it comes to my hopes for snow, but i guess in a weird way, that’s just how i like it.
your idealism scares me. (i wish my perspective were as simple) your naivete concerns me. (sometimes it seems ignorance is bliss). would that i were not so far gone, i might have more than just a fleeting hope in my own salvation. it would be foolish, but at least i’d be able to easy my mind, yes?
that’s pretty much it. i like controlling my life, even if it means i pay more. or that it’s harder. or i screw up more. because at least that way, i got nobody to blame but me. but, sigh, life is a group activity. i apologize too much because i don’t want strangers to hold me accountable for my shortcomings. i remember having several occasions to cheat on tests in high school and college. no thanks- give me my d/f; i’ll take it. gladly, even. i won’t make excuses cause i got none. at least i can’t be called dishonest, right? it’s funny because i first made these decisions in 4th grade. and i remember how *angry* mrs. polzin was with me because i didn’t finish my work- her face turned red. perhaps she was upset because she couldn’t make me care. it really wasn’t a big deal- i was supposed to write a journal during my 1 month long trip to bangladesh. easy enough. picked up the mottled black and white thing on the plane over, every week or so while i was there, and then on the plane back. wrote virtually nothing. how could i have explained to her, then, that i really would have rather just talked about my experiences, than write them down? it’s not like she would understand the 3rd world anyway. she was a petite, uptight, white, upper middle class gifted and talented teacher: and i didnt care to be labeled gifted *or* talented: and she couldn’t make me. i was going to get through that ordeal (”GT” and advanced classes) by the skin of my teeth, and that’s what i did. why? because at least that way, *i* dictated my priorities.
my sophomore (junior?) year in high school, i had to explain to a dumbfounded classmate why i purposely put aside all my homework that week: i was helping to organize a conference. i had to break it down for her: i. did. not. care. that. i. had. zeros. on. some. assignments. i was gonna do just fine in that class anyway, all said and done, and i did, and that was that.
in college, i had a particularly refreshing conversation with my ochem teacher, who said that he appreciated how grounded i was, and that yes, failing wasn’t the end of the world (i did not fail his class)- his greater worry was for students that passed all their classes with flying colors, got out into the real world, became jaded, and failed at everything else miserably.
and now? i see people all around me with “everything” and yet nothing. the latest greatest income, social status, but an emptiness that haunts. no, thank you. i’ll take my i-still-live-with-my-parents (though they probably want to kick me out), non-profit-really,-non-profit job over that other scenario any day. perfect? absolutely not. the way i prefer it? hell yeah.
i’m gonna dig my own grave, if they let me.
on friday afternoon after jummah prayer, we all headed back to the cabins to clean instead of the usual recreation. but it was so needed, and a relief. the weather was gorgeous, there was sunlight streaming in through the windows, and yes, it was the perfect sweeping setting. i had set up my laptop with some music which my campers largely did not appreciate (i gave them free reign over the playlist while i showered- i’m not totally undemocratic) but that i really did, and it was downright cathartic. for me at least. but i think my group really appreciated that time. with the doors on either end of the cabin open and a light breeze coming through, i almost wanted to let them toy with poking their non-hijabified heads outside to catch some wind and sun. and they did, of course, through my nagging; it was all good. i think that was actually a great bonding moment for my group. just existing together briefly and working towards a common goal: a clean cabin.
sometimes it’s the simplest things that stick with you the most.
5th night of camp, things start to get a little hectic. people’s ends are frayed, kids are antsy, counselors are exhausted, and yeah- things start falling apart. i happen to think organizers run things into the ground: a packed schedule, 9am-11pm, so yeah, we’re gonna get a little crazy. i just think it can be handled better. so here i am, telling my campers its all good, and taking heat for chilling out. honestly, i’m fine with it. i can handle that. it just takes a lot of energy. and we walk miles each day (or at least it feels that way) - which again i’m fine with. just tiring. so that by night #5, i’m cranky and aint gonna follow anyone’s rules but my own. also, thank you, YMCA, for blocking EVERY WEBSITE KNOWN TO MANKIND. or getting pretty close to that. i’m having trouble getting my work done because of it. on the other hand though, the staff here is really nice. meaning: i can get away with pretty much whatever i want. *power trip*
-hijabihoodlum
hijabihoodlum